All I want

All I want:

All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
'Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die as a happy man I'm sure

When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side

But If you loved me
Why did you leave me

Take my body
Take my body
All I want is
All I need is
To find somebody
I'll find somebody

Ooh oh
Ooh oh
Ooh oh
Ooh oh

'Cause you brought out the best of me
A part of me I'd never seen
You took my soul wiped it clean
Our love was made for movie screens

But If you loved me
Why did you leave me
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is
All I need is
To find somebody
I'll find somebody

Ooh oh
Ooh oh
Ooh oh
Ooh oh
Ooh ah
Ooh oh

Ooh, if you loved me
Why did you leave me
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is
All I need is
To find somebody
I'll find somebody

Like you, ooh

The first few lines of the song, “All I want is nothing more to hear you knocking at my door cause if I could see your face once more I could die as a happy man I’m sure. When you said your last goodbye I died a little bit inside.” I just think about the people that have succumbed to their illness and those parents that have lost their child or children who have lost their parents. I can fully see how when you lose someone that you love that a part of you dies with them. Your world is turned upside down and the person that you love more than life itself is gone and you are forced to face life without them. Everything about your life is different. The way you think, your routine, your life has changed. The hardest part, I think, is that you will never see their face again while you are on Earth. You can't just call them up or go to their house. You only have the memories and pictures that you took. I can only imagine what a parent, a child, a brother/sister or a widow would give to see their loved one just one more time. These past few weeks have been extremely hard. I have lost family members and I’ve had my heart broken but I’ve never felt a loss a great as losing a parent or a child. I thought I might have a few weeks ago but I'm thankful God had other plans. I know family members that have lost their child and just reading their posts and hearing their experience is heartbreaking. One thing is true, “Cause you brought out the best of me a part of me I’d never seen. You took my soul and wiped it clean,” is very true. Skylar is best part of me. She has brought out things in me that might not ever exist without her.

I know the book is written about a person with cancer but the same applies to anyone that is dying. One of the things that the book mentioned was things being a side effect of dying. Mind you, I’m not dying so I have no idea what it feels like but to watch someone you love who is seems to be almost just as hard. One of the things that the book mentioned was thinking that you won’t die is a side effect of dying. I think that part is true. I try to be realistic about Skylar but in my heart I just keep thinking that Skylar is always going to be here. My head knows that it’s not true but it can’t seem to convince the rest of me that it’s true. She will go through a period where she’s in a great mood and feeling great and it’s a reassurance that she’s going to be here for a while. Her bad days make it harder but I still just get this feeling that she will pull through it like she always does. My heart doesn’t want to believe that one day that she won’t. Maybe it’s denial. It also said that nostalgia was a side effect of dying which I believe to be true. I have read often how much parents would give anything to have the affection of their child or long to experience a memory that reminds them of their child. How often do we lose someone and something will happen that will remind us of our loved one and the grieving process takes several steps backwards? It can be as simple as a song on the radio, a toy at the store, or a holiday. I’m scared to be one of those parents. I can see their hurt and their pain and I fear that I won’t be able to get through it. I worry that live will have no meaning for me and my reason for existence has left me for a much better place. I keep saying that I have big plans for the future and I have things that I want to accomplish but will I see a point?

I know I write a lot about Skylar passing and it can seem if a dwell on the idea. That can’t be further from the truth. When I am not with Skylar it makes it harder especially when she’s having a bad day. When I’m with her, I don’t think about it much. I take advantage of every second and I focus on her life and the time I have. If I had it my way, she’d never go to school. We would stay home together and she’d never have to have a bad day without me. I hate the fact that she will have a bad day and I’m not there. As her mom, I feel like I should be. I know the people that she’s with are fully capable of taking care of her but I’m her mom. I should be there and I never want her to feel like I’m not. There’s no better feeling when she might have a bad day and I pick her up and her face lights up. She gets a huge smile on her face and she knows without a doubt that her mom is there! It’s an indescribable feeling when your child, who can’t communicate, shows you how excited they are to see you and how much better you have just made them feel. There is nothing in this world that is better than that smile and that feeling where she communicates in her own little way that she knows me and loves me.

Praying the last half is better than the first

I’ve tried to write something for a while now and I didn’t seem to get anywhere. Every time things start to look up something happens that knocks me back down lately. I’m just hoping that the last half of 2014 isn’t a bad as the first half has been. I try to take life in strides and not to get too bogged down on things but it gets really hard to stay positive when something is always happening. So I started 2014 with Skylar in hospice. I was devastated but I tried to focus on her bucket list and the fact that she’s still here and still doing well. She has her bad days but she still laughs and enjoys life and I’m thankful for that. Then my dad tells us that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Luckily it was caught very early so his prognosis is very good but no matter what he does it’s still going to alter his life in some way. Then a few weeks ago I thought that I might lose my mom. In the past 8 years I’ve watched Skylar struggle and be in pain and felt helpless. I wanted to do everything I could to take away her pain but I never really panic. I get scared but I still don’t panic in a bad situation. However, seeing my mom on a ventilator and struggling to breathe I panicked. They had just finished her first breath test and they told me that she had failed it but when I got to her room and she was really struggling hard my first initial reaction was someone please help her. I went and got the nurse and the respiratory therapist and after they changed some settings on the vent and the sedation kicked in she was finally resting. You always hope for the best but I consider myself a realist. I try to stay positive but I also try to prepare myself for what could happen. Despite everything that we were going through, I will admit that it was nice to spend time with my family. For whatever reason, my sister and I don’t have the closest relationship. We never have but in time of need we are there for each other. We talked more in those two weeks than I think we’ve talked all of last year. It was nice to have that closeness even if it was short-lived. What scared me the most is the idea that my biggest supporters were struggling. I have been a single mom since day one with Skylar. I wasn’t given an option of having the other “parent” in her life so when I had Skylar my parents knew that I would need extra support. I’ve had a poor pitiful me attitude for a little bit. In all honesty I kept thinking how cruel it was for me to have a child in hospice, a dad with cancer, and a mom in critical condition that we weren’t sure would make it. I was angry at the idea that the two people that I needed most in my life might not be here when I needed them the most. I knew that my dad was going to be okay. He was going to have some changes in his life but there wasn’t a threat of him succumbing to his cancer but I felt defeated. Growing up I didn’t have the closest relationship with my mom but I’m thankful that over the years we’ve grown really close. She never hesitated when it came to going to the doctor’s appointments and ultrasounds and being there after she was born. When I get news about Skylar the first thing I do is call my parents. They have been the other half of Skylar’s life for me. I call them for advice and try to talk to things I should do because making all of her life decisions is hard. I want to make the right choice that will benefit her and I try really hard to outweigh the risks versus the benefits of what she needs but they have been there to listen without hesitation. Life isn’t easy and things happen that make it seem like it’s impossible. I will never understand why things happen the way that they do and to the people that they happen to. There just doesn’t seem to be a balance sometimes. Like the old saying, “why do bad things happen to good people?” I am only 29 and I’ve had enough heartache to last a life time and I know that my experiences do not compare to some. I know that everyone has their own struggles and heartaches. I’m thankful for a lot of things in my life and I have a bad habit when something bad happens to think poor me. I’ve been angry and overwhelmed but I’m trying to see the bigger picture. I am thankful that my mom and Skylar are still both here. I’m thankful that my dad’s cancer is treatable and I’m praying that everyone I love is here to share in my goals and my future. I plan on getting married and having more children hopefully and doing great things with my life and I pray that everyone I love is here to be part of it because my future will not be as great if I don’t have them to share it with.