Praying the last half is better than the first

I’ve tried to write something for a while now and I didn’t seem to get anywhere. Every time things start to look up something happens that knocks me back down lately. I’m just hoping that the last half of 2014 isn’t a bad as the first half has been. I try to take life in strides and not to get too bogged down on things but it gets really hard to stay positive when something is always happening. So I started 2014 with Skylar in hospice. I was devastated but I tried to focus on her bucket list and the fact that she’s still here and still doing well. She has her bad days but she still laughs and enjoys life and I’m thankful for that. Then my dad tells us that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Luckily it was caught very early so his prognosis is very good but no matter what he does it’s still going to alter his life in some way. Then a few weeks ago I thought that I might lose my mom. In the past 8 years I’ve watched Skylar struggle and be in pain and felt helpless. I wanted to do everything I could to take away her pain but I never really panic. I get scared but I still don’t panic in a bad situation. However, seeing my mom on a ventilator and struggling to breathe I panicked. They had just finished her first breath test and they told me that she had failed it but when I got to her room and she was really struggling hard my first initial reaction was someone please help her. I went and got the nurse and the respiratory therapist and after they changed some settings on the vent and the sedation kicked in she was finally resting. You always hope for the best but I consider myself a realist. I try to stay positive but I also try to prepare myself for what could happen. Despite everything that we were going through, I will admit that it was nice to spend time with my family. For whatever reason, my sister and I don’t have the closest relationship. We never have but in time of need we are there for each other. We talked more in those two weeks than I think we’ve talked all of last year. It was nice to have that closeness even if it was short-lived. What scared me the most is the idea that my biggest supporters were struggling. I have been a single mom since day one with Skylar. I wasn’t given an option of having the other “parent” in her life so when I had Skylar my parents knew that I would need extra support. I’ve had a poor pitiful me attitude for a little bit. In all honesty I kept thinking how cruel it was for me to have a child in hospice, a dad with cancer, and a mom in critical condition that we weren’t sure would make it. I was angry at the idea that the two people that I needed most in my life might not be here when I needed them the most. I knew that my dad was going to be okay. He was going to have some changes in his life but there wasn’t a threat of him succumbing to his cancer but I felt defeated. Growing up I didn’t have the closest relationship with my mom but I’m thankful that over the years we’ve grown really close. She never hesitated when it came to going to the doctor’s appointments and ultrasounds and being there after she was born. When I get news about Skylar the first thing I do is call my parents. They have been the other half of Skylar’s life for me. I call them for advice and try to talk to things I should do because making all of her life decisions is hard. I want to make the right choice that will benefit her and I try really hard to outweigh the risks versus the benefits of what she needs but they have been there to listen without hesitation. Life isn’t easy and things happen that make it seem like it’s impossible. I will never understand why things happen the way that they do and to the people that they happen to. There just doesn’t seem to be a balance sometimes. Like the old saying, “why do bad things happen to good people?” I am only 29 and I’ve had enough heartache to last a life time and I know that my experiences do not compare to some. I know that everyone has their own struggles and heartaches. I’m thankful for a lot of things in my life and I have a bad habit when something bad happens to think poor me. I’ve been angry and overwhelmed but I’m trying to see the bigger picture. I am thankful that my mom and Skylar are still both here. I’m thankful that my dad’s cancer is treatable and I’m praying that everyone I love is here to share in my goals and my future. I plan on getting married and having more children hopefully and doing great things with my life and I pray that everyone I love is here to be part of it because my future will not be as great if I don’t have them to share it with.