Happily Ever After

I have always been content with how I pictured my future. I've never pictured a family beyond what I've always had. I've always envisioned it being Skylar and me and our happy two person family. I've loved the idea of getting married and extending our family beyond us but I've never seen it to be a reality. I've never been naïve about Skylar's condition but she had beaten so many odds that I always assumed that I would be wondering how I was going to lift her when she got to be a older and as big as me. I would talk about how it's going to be great when we are the same size and we can share clothes. I had envisioned a life so much different than the reality that I am living. The thought of losing the future that I had planned and being left with just me in our two person family has been the hardest struggle and the hardest thing to comprehend. It has made me think about the possibilities of actually extending our family. I never wanted children after I had Skylar. I love Skylar more than life itself but I had a fear that if I got pregnant again that I might be the one that caused Skylar to have such a severe disability and I might continue to pass it along to other children that I have. It wasn't the idea of having another child with special needs that scares me it's the idea of putting another child through everything that Skylar has gone through. It didn't seem fair. As Skylar got sicker, I started to feel like my time as being a mom, I didn't want it to end. I would always be Skylar's mom but it just made me want to have a child and experience having them walk and talk and I wanted to experience everything that a typical mom does. I have had genetic testing on Skylar and nothing ever came back. They told me that I had less than a 5% chance of having a child with such a severe disability. It gave me hope for a future. I am still unsure of what the future holds for me. Who knows if I will marry my Prince Charming and have more children. I wish I could take a glimpse into the future to see what God might have in store for me. I just envision a different future than I have before. I look forward to maybe getting married to a man that loves me and who can't wait to spend his life with me. I look forward to us having children and to Skylar being a big sister. I want her sibling to know Skylar and to get the opportunity to meet her and see how great she is. Not matter what, if Skylar has a sibling they will always know how great their big sister is and celebrate her even if they don't get a chance to meet her. I see friends that have married wonderful men and they are all so happy. The love that they share is an inspiration and something that gives me hope. I'm not sure how the future will turn out and I might not ever get married or have more children but only time will tell. I keep holding on to the vision that I had of my family of two and keep praying that it will be my happy ever after!