The D Word

I get an email from a lady at Hospice this morning and she told me that 23,136 people have seen the post that they put on their Facebook about Skylar, 400 people liked it and 155 people had shared it. I couldn’t believe that 23,000 people had seen it. I was excited. For some reason, when I read what they had typed up about her a part of it didn’t sit well with me. It was very well written but part of it just stung a little bit. I don’t mean this to say that what they wrote offended me or that I didn’t like it. That’s not what I’m trying to convey. I have just never said to anyone that Skylar is dying. I feel like this whole situation is surreal. She’s here and she still laughing and smiling and I wish that it was not true. I wish that they were wrong. The thought of her not being here one day doesn’t process to me. I can’t imagine going one day without seeing her and not being around her so I can’t process the idea that she will never be here with me again. I think that’s why I refuse to use the word dying. That might be the case but to me I just can’t come to grips with using that word. I know that one day that it will happen but my heart and my mind hasn’t accepted it yet. When I am not with her, I know that in a few hours I get to go home and hold her and hear her laugh and be with her. My mind cannot process going home and she not be there or never getting to see her face or hear her laugh. It just feels empty. I don’t dwell on the idea that one day she will not be here because again I can’t seem to fathom it anyway. I try to focus on her life, her legacy, and making sure that she has the best life that she can. I pray that people hear her story and that her life makes a difference. This process is hard. It’s harder than I ever thought it would be but I know that it doesn’t come close to what I will feel when she’s no longer here. Just like my Pastor said a few weeks ago, I have never prayed harder for Heaven than I have in last few months. There are people that I love on this Earth but if I could join Skylar and never have to live one day without her and to be in Heaven with her, I would take it in a heartbeat. I wish that the process prepared you but from what I gather nothing prepares you. You’re never ready and it sucks to put it honestly. My heart aches and sometimes I have really bad days that make me feel like I can’t breathe. I have many talks with God telling him that I’m not ready for this and I can’t do this.

We went to see God’s Not Dead this weekend and I can see how having a special needs child and to have a child pass can test your faith. The professor in the movie felt that if there was a God why did he let bad things happen. Why did God take everything away from him? I think it would be easy to be mad and question why God let this happen. He has a purpose and a reason for everything and I don’t understand it and I don’t even agree with it but, in time, I hope to understand his purpose. I hope to gain clarity and understanding. It’s very hard to look at the blessings in my life and to say that God doesn’t exists.

I pray for strength and I pray that when the D word gets thrown around that it doesn’t derail me from what I want to accomplish with Skylar. I can’t spend my time worrying about when things are going to happen. I have a little girl who has a lot of life to live and I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure that it happens!