Nuclear Meltdown!

So I had a nuclear meltdown while we were in New York City. We had been there for several days and when the firemen stopped up and we went to get a picture it was then that I noticed that my camera was missing. I was devastated. Everything that had happened on this trip was gone. Thankfully after a lot of prayers and retracing our steps we found it. God was testing me that day and I failed. I failed miserably. I’m thankful that we found it and that Clint didn’t go running and screaming in the other direction or get upset with me. I just know that one day the only things I will have are pictures to look at to remember everything. I was very emotional even after we found it and even still now. We had the most amazing time and it was a trip that I will never forget but after that I started thinking that I won’t have years and years of these memories. I have developed this need and desire to be around her every chance I get. Not for a second did I think that we might be able to do so much more if Skylar wasn’t here. All I could think of was that this trip has been amazing because she is here. Being able to be around her all day and all night was one of the best things about the trip for me. I wasn’t looking forward to going home and having to send her to school while I went to work. I have loved every part of this bucket list. I have loved seeing her smile and having a great time but its gets harder for me. The more I am with her and the more memories that we make the more and more I want to hold on to her. I don’t want it to ever end. I never want to wake up and not see her face or smile and the more that I get to experience these things with her the more the idea of her not being here becomes an impossible one to fathom. I get so much joy out of watching her smile, laugh, and talk to me. She is fully aware of what she is saying and I’m sure when we are both in Heaven I’m going to get in ear full of what she was trying to tell me. I can even see a duh mom moment! I’m thankful she had a good trip and was healthy enough to enjoy it. It was the highlight of my week and I try really hard to focus on the positive things. It’s just really hard when we are doing these wonderful things together to not get upset that one day I won’t have this. I fear that day because the longer she is here the more that I realize that I don’t want to live a second without her. I will continue to pray that God comes back and spares me the pain of having to lose her. I pray for Heaven and I pray we can be there together and her not have to wait for me because I certainly don’t want to have to wait. The photos that I have of Skylar are more than memories. They are my scrapbook of her life, my treasure at the end of the rainbow, my lottery ticket…they are everything to me and I thank God that they were lost. I’m glad that the memories that we created were able to be shared and saved for me to have for the rest of my life. I look at her pictures often and it’s hard for me to believe that it’s been eight years. There are parts of her life as a baby that I don’t remember. Of course you remember the significant events but the small things are what I don’t remember. I want to capture the small things so that in 8 more years they aren’t forgotten. I wish and I pray daily for God to give me the strength because there are many days I can’t but think that one day my life as I have known it will be forever changed and I will never be ready for it. I pray for wisdom to make decisions and I pray that one day I won’t have to make hard decisions about her life. It was great advice from a very wise mom. I pray that God won’t put me in the situation to have to choose to sustain her life or let her go.  I thank him for every day but I pray and ask for many more. I have had an amazing time with Skylar lately and I am in a selfish place. I don’t want it to end and I want it every day/all day. They say a picture is worth a 1000 words but I guess in my case it’s worth an EPIC meltdown if they were ever lost!